It’s been 5 months and 13 days since we lost my step-dad. First let me say a man who loved you and your sister as his own for 18 years really shouldn’t be called a step-parent. During the 3 weeks that we had with him from the day he was diagnosed with cancer it was like a dream. None of this could be real. I’d wake up in the mornings thinking life would be normal and we’d all be healthy again. It was really weird the Thurs, Fri and Sat. that we sat with him in the hospital was a nightmare. None of us would cry in front of him, but once he fell asleep or we left the room we would break down. Sunday, however, everything changed. I don’t think I cried. At first I thought it was because I didn’t care, but that wasn’t it at all. I had accepted what was to come. I heard the doctor say he won’t make it to Christmas. Even though I knew he wasn’t going home I still couldn’t believe it. There was no way I would be able to go on without him. And then he died. I cried for a few minutes and then that instinct I had when I was 14 and my parents divorced kicked in. It was my time again to be the strong one and to take care of my family. I was so focused on taking care of my mom and sister that I forgot about myself. Just like with my Grandma I can not allow myself to think about him being gone. It hurts so deep inside. There is no explanation for how deep I hurt. I’m not one to cry in public or talk about my feelings (writing this is huge) so sometimes at night I can’t hold it any longer. Yes I know I’m not supposed to hold all that in because that’s not healthy, but it’s the way I cope. Everyone grieves differently.
I can’t even count the number of times people have said to me, “time heals.” Well I’m going to tell you that is bullshit!! Straight up bullshit. With that being said one of my FB friends lost her husband in an accident and this is what she had to write about the 10th year he’d been gone.
“Whoever said that time heals all wounds, well they clearly hadn’t really experience tragedy at a moments notice. What time does is change perspective. Time changes your heart. Time gives you time to figure out a new path. Time lets you think. Time helps you to cover up and put emotions in new secret places. Time isn’t always helpful.
You never forget that person. You just figure out new ways to miss them and remember them without letting it kill your soul. ………So far, it hasn’t been time…” ~Mary Kay Myers
Those words are exactly what it is like.